a snowy, stressy day

i've been in new york (long beach, long island is where i've been staying) since friday, and it's tuesday night now. i've had two days of work, and already have had moments of questioning whether i've made the right decision. the adjustment to an actual job work day (8:30 to 5) is proving, so far, harder than i thought it would be. the days seem very long and i feel lost at the bottom of a vast bureaucracy, which i will be able to learn only slowly, and where my opportunities for advancement, mastery, and creativity may not be what i had optimistically hoped.

but the hardest parts of my day came when i went outside, first for lunch where i was faced with an incredible array of expensive food choices in every direction (i went with a bowl of black bean chili at a diner, which cost $7.00 with tax and tip). i did mail a card that i wrote on the train ride in, and i also made semi-successful inquiries at the t-mobile store (i brought my nokia 6500 back from england, complicating my choices with respect to a new cell plan).

after work i debated - that sounds dispassionate, but actually i was quite overcome with anxiety about it - whether or not to meet karen and go to a mixer at the yale club. in the end, i did both, and i'm glad i did. i don't know why this transition is proving so much harder than when i moved to england a year ago. i'm pretty sure that then i found an apartment and started work without too much psychological distress. that came later, and was of a different kind.

as you know, it's not like me to be afraid to run into friends or to make plans with people.

a symptom as well as an additional cause of the stress is my stomach, which has been bothering me every day except when i pummel it into submission with over-the-counter medications. duane reade is a place i feel quite comfortable, though of course it is no cvs.

when i hesitated about getting on the subway downtown after work, i looked up and saw the empire state building through the snow. its old, familiar presence felt stable and reassuring. it made me feel like eventually things will work out. i could somehow moor onto it like the zeppelins used to do. or actually, as the internet has just informed me, they never did. but still, one of the most beautiful buildings in the city helped me to think that i will settle in eventually, and get on with figuring out what i need to get on with.